DAY ONE

Day 1: Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  How many times have I said that? Countless.  I am a single mom of two kids.  H, age "11 and 3/4" daughter and C, age 10 and 1/2 son.  Their dad & I 'broke up'when I was pregnant with C.  That's when I kicked him out.  For the following 10 years we did the 'trying to work things out' more times then I care to get into right now.  He married Jamie in May 2012.  It was the best thing that could have happened to me.  I finally allowed closure!

Sooo, my kids whole lives have been pretty screwed up.  Bless their hearts.  They have done well, percervered (sp?).  They are good kids.  I have been a pretty lousy mom.  I covered up all of my anger and pain by drinking beer.  Every day.  All the time.  It was just the way it was.  My outlook on it is this:  I wasn't getting "DRUNK" 24/7.  It was just a steady buzz.  Maintaining.  Dealing.  Using it as a crutch to not feel anything.  I didn't have a relationship with any other guy (pretty much) their whole lives, other than their dad.  I devoted myself completely to them.  Screwing them up.

Now I'm at a place in my life where I don't want to drink all the time because it always eventually gets completely out of control.  I was able to maintain for years, but it keeps coming to a head here in the past year.  Well, since we moved next door to my dad & M.  Accountability is a bitch.  I wasn't "HIDING" it anymore.  Like I was in the first place.  But I'm so tired of relying on it.  I'm tired of NEEDING it.  I want to replace that NEED with God.  I really really want Him to remove that from me completely.  Just take it away.

I've spent the last full month getting closer to God.  I quit drinking.  The Holy Spirit literally removed IT from me.  I was fine --didn't want it.  Didn't think about it.  Didn't worry about it.  Certainly didn't obsess about it.  I was fine.  I started reading my bible and doing bible study.  Every night.  Going to bed EARLY and getting up EARLY.  I'm talkin 5:00 AM.  It was different.  Very different.

I don't know what happened but I've gotten off track a bit.  I don't know why but it has happened.  So I'm restarting today.  Today I choose to die.  Today I choose to allow God to run the show.  No matter what.  I'm tired!!