I don't know how accurate the title is .. frankly, don't care. Ohhh, in the past negative 3 days, I have broken up with my love, gotten back together with my love and obsessed about everything. H got hit with the stomach bug bullshit. Puking. Violent puking. On all counts. I followed her to help w the pukage (ya know, holding the hair, patting of the back) and the stench of her previous diarrhea session hit me like a ton of rotten trash bags. So.. as I puked in the sink and she in the toity, I was unable to assist in the pukage. Big fail, mom.
At this time, I just pray for a snow day. How can they NOT call a snow day. havent taken one all year, have plenty. Just call it people!!!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
DAY ONE
Day 1: Today is the first day of the rest of my life. How many times have I said that? Countless. I am a single mom of two kids. H, age "11 and 3/4" daughter and C, age 10 and 1/2 son. Their dad & I 'broke up'when I was pregnant with C. That's when I kicked him out. For the following 10 years we did the 'trying to work things out' more times then I care to get into right now. He married Jamie in May 2012. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. I finally allowed closure!
Sooo, my kids whole lives have been pretty screwed up. Bless their hearts. They have done well, percervered (sp?). They are good kids. I have been a pretty lousy mom. I covered up all of my anger and pain by drinking beer. Every day. All the time. It was just the way it was. My outlook on it is this: I wasn't getting "DRUNK" 24/7. It was just a steady buzz. Maintaining. Dealing. Using it as a crutch to not feel anything. I didn't have a relationship with any other guy (pretty much) their whole lives, other than their dad. I devoted myself completely to them. Screwing them up.
Now I'm at a place in my life where I don't want to drink all the time because it always eventually gets completely out of control. I was able to maintain for years, but it keeps coming to a head here in the past year. Well, since we moved next door to my dad & M. Accountability is a bitch. I wasn't "HIDING" it anymore. Like I was in the first place. But I'm so tired of relying on it. I'm tired of NEEDING it. I want to replace that NEED with God. I really really want Him to remove that from me completely. Just take it away.
I've spent the last full month getting closer to God. I quit drinking. The Holy Spirit literally removed IT from me. I was fine --didn't want it. Didn't think about it. Didn't worry about it. Certainly didn't obsess about it. I was fine. I started reading my bible and doing bible study. Every night. Going to bed EARLY and getting up EARLY. I'm talkin 5:00 AM. It was different. Very different.
I don't know what happened but I've gotten off track a bit. I don't know why but it has happened. So I'm restarting today. Today I choose to die. Today I choose to allow God to run the show. No matter what. I'm tired!!
Sooo, my kids whole lives have been pretty screwed up. Bless their hearts. They have done well, percervered (sp?). They are good kids. I have been a pretty lousy mom. I covered up all of my anger and pain by drinking beer. Every day. All the time. It was just the way it was. My outlook on it is this: I wasn't getting "DRUNK" 24/7. It was just a steady buzz. Maintaining. Dealing. Using it as a crutch to not feel anything. I didn't have a relationship with any other guy (pretty much) their whole lives, other than their dad. I devoted myself completely to them. Screwing them up.
Now I'm at a place in my life where I don't want to drink all the time because it always eventually gets completely out of control. I was able to maintain for years, but it keeps coming to a head here in the past year. Well, since we moved next door to my dad & M. Accountability is a bitch. I wasn't "HIDING" it anymore. Like I was in the first place. But I'm so tired of relying on it. I'm tired of NEEDING it. I want to replace that NEED with God. I really really want Him to remove that from me completely. Just take it away.
I've spent the last full month getting closer to God. I quit drinking. The Holy Spirit literally removed IT from me. I was fine --didn't want it. Didn't think about it. Didn't worry about it. Certainly didn't obsess about it. I was fine. I started reading my bible and doing bible study. Every night. Going to bed EARLY and getting up EARLY. I'm talkin 5:00 AM. It was different. Very different.
I don't know what happened but I've gotten off track a bit. I don't know why but it has happened. So I'm restarting today. Today I choose to die. Today I choose to allow God to run the show. No matter what. I'm tired!!
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